Might have known what you would find.
Where I sit back and think about everything ever. So much time has passed since i’ve last done this. I’m really bad at gauging time, like, really bad. It’s so weird to think through all of these stupid phases i went through, and who all i’ve been with, and how i feel about that now, and how i feel about how i felt then. God. It’s so weird. I used to be so fucking happy, and then i got real fucking sad, and then i was real fucking happy again. Now i just don’t really give a fuck about anything. I miss the companionship of actually being with someone. I honestly haven’t felt it in so long. It’s probably a good thing that I haven’t been with someone in the way I used to. I used to shut out everyone back in the day. It’s a wonder the friends i still have from then are even still around. I was an asshole. But it’s been years since that whole deal. It sometimes feels like it was pretty recent, and then at other times it feels as though it were 15 years ago. I was the most confused little boy for the longest time. I watched an old video i was in with an ex of mine recently. It was just us outside with a bunch of people. I looked so god damn happy. I don’t know what was wrong with me. But watching that is probably what started all of this thinking.
So much has changed. I mean, god, I lack emotion towards a lot now, but I don’t see it as a bad thing. It just happens, and i’m okay with that, especially after all the shit I put up with years ago. I used to try so hard to believe in a God as well. I wanted him to be real more than anything. Now i feel…Enlightened? That probably makes me an asshole for thinking about it that way. Sometimes I wish I could blindly follow something. Especially something that promises things will always get better no matter what, that you’re never alone, and that you’re always being watched and protected, but I know all of that is bullshit. And people need to realize that sometimes shit stays awful, that you can be truly alone, and that there may be no one there watching and protecting you. People need to stop fucking believing things just because they sound nice. That’s not how things fucking work.
Looking back to when i was a lil angsty kid, one of the things i remember wanting most was to play on stage in front of people. To have people dance and go crazy and to flip out because of what music i was playing. It was the most appealing thing i could ever imagine. One of the best concerts I ever saw during my little angsty phase was The Dear Hunter, Lydia, and a few others at Greene Street. It introduced me to Lydia, which is a band i fucking love, and it was also the first time i experienced such an awesome connection between the crowd and the bands. The bands just kind of talked to the crowd, and the crowd talked back, and everyone laughed and everyone sang and i was with my best friends, and i was a hundred miles away from the one thing bothering me most at the time. It was perfect. I’d consider it one of my favorite nights i’ve ever lived. I wanted to be on that stage more than anything. 4 years later, and i’ll be playing on that same stage this Friday. It’s so fucking surreal to me. I’m so glad to be making music. And this time around, music that i actually like. I can’t wait for the show Friday.
I’ve written a fuckton, and i don’t expect it to be read, but that’s okay. It’s just been a fucking weird night. Basically, this boils down to me not knowing what the fuck i’m doing with me life, still. And that goes for both the immediate future, and the not so immediate future. And i don’t give a fuck at all. Out of everyone i’ve ever been with, and all the shitty situations i’ve been through and all of that bullshit, i can safely say i’m pretty content that i’ve got the mind sets i do about a lot of things, and i’m really fucking thankful for all of my friends, both new and old, clicheclichecliche. Those kids have been really fucking awesome over the years. 6 years ago, i would have never thought this is how my life would be right now. Playing in a band, not giving a fuck, my main concern being my friends, me actually missing my family, me still playing video games like i was 12, me studying politics, me still having those same dumbass friends i used to have way back when, me being this raging atheist kid, me wanting nothing more than to make my family proud, and me sitting around still thinking of how things used to be, and how i was a complete idiot. it’s all so fucking surreal. But that’s alright. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Here’s hoping things stay awesome, or get even better. But whatever happens, i’ll be alright i’m sure.
A way to set your mind above and over words.
well, thanks. i’m not entirely sure who this is, but… thanks.
— Sam Harris, on stem cell research.
Re-blogged for scientific accuracy and for reason.
but jeebus…(via unfriendlyatheist)
Consecutively. That was intenseeeee!
Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.
luv u 2 ~
That’s kinda sad. Who be dissss?
Jamie, you’re da best ever.
IF I WOKE UP TO ADORABLE LIL
MESSAGES I’D BE THE HAPPIEST! but srsly, feel free guyz, feel free.
At least my bed is awesome.
ALL DIS NEW STUFF.
now im prolly gonna have to fight even more ladies off.
So everything is beautiful and nothing hurts again.